2015. Bring it.

"You, me, four o' clock, behind the school shed!"

I normally feel incredibly optimistic at the beginning of a new year. Be it September when school starts back or the end of December at the prospect of a clean slate, I feel so prepared and confident that this year I will in fact be successful.

I don't know if I've finally matured enough to see that things too often don't change but this year has been different. In September I didn't have my typical study plan drawn up. I didn't even have plans to work harder. All I had was determination. Because I had survived fifth year. I had gotten through the most painstakingly difficult academic year of my life and now I was on the home stretch. All that was left was to survive another ten months and I was free. I will be free. Done with school, done with parents, done with childhood, finally.

I know that no one ever admits they felt like a child but sometime shortly after turning seventeen I truly believe I left that stage of my life behind. I can't say what changed except my mindset. The world felt different, like I had suddenly removed a glass screen from between us. I was more sure of what life meant to me and what really mattered.

I haven't quite decided if I'll make New Years Resolutions for 2015. Probably not. I mean what's the point? After January I completely ignore them. That's not to say I won't have any aims for the coming year but I think life as it is is enough of a challenge at the moment. I don't need to pressure myself to fulfill my dreams, at least for the first half of this year. Maybe when my exams have finished and all my hope has been taken away from me I'll start thinking about a plan B for when I don't get into college.

I don't know what I should do, to be honest. I hate studying so much. I can't concentrate during the holidays which is when I should be catching up on all the work I didn't have time for last term. I know I'm intelligent but that's simply not enough to pass the exams. It also requires consistent work and repetition and revision. I just don't want to. But this is the last year. After this I'm free to get a job in a shitty bar for crap money that I waste on alcohol. Every artist's dream, right? If I could just work for the next six months I'll be free to ruin my life rather than just waste it like I'm currently doing.
So. 2015. Bring it on.

New ME?

It's coming up towards that time of year again. No, Christmas is over, keep up please.

I don't stick with my New Years Resolutions. That is something I'm pretty resolute about. I don't expect it to change. Long term goals aren't my thing. That's why I blog. I start writing a post with zero plan of what it's going to be about, I edit it immediately after and I post it. Done.

Yet, I have nineteen drafts on my blogger account. Many of theses draft posts are finished but they're very personal and I'm not ready to post them yet. More of them need only a little editing to get them to the publishing front. Still, I haven't gotten around to it.
I'm not good at blogging. I don't mean the writing part, I'm fairly decent at that if you like painfully cheesy writing. And I've definitely got the blogger attitude on point with the whole game of starting every other post with an apology for WHY I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN SOOO LONG.
The only thing I'm missing is actually blogging. Or having an actual schedule. And I can whine and moan as much as I like about the Leaving Cert and school taking up my time but come on. Grow up. There will always be something that takes from your time, if you let it. Even in the summer - even now, during the Christmas holidays - I could be daily blogging, I have the time. But I'm just not.

So 2015? I don't know what it's going to bring. I'd love to blog daily but who sees that happening? I'd love to blog weekly but that never seems to work out. More than anything I'd love to write posts that mean something. Posts that are important to me, rather than just this kind of filler. But come on. Grow up.

x

I don't even know what months are anymore

December 23. Where the fuck did the time go.

I haven't been blogging as much as I wish. To make up for that I'm going to blog daily for the rest of this week. It's Christmas after all, the time for giving.

I feel really guilty because I haven't been writing at all lately. I don't count the diary I've been keeping since July because it's literally just a stream of thoughts and I don't even remember writing half of it when I read back over. I've been neglecting everything in my life lately. My ambitions, my future, my school work, my relationships, even my favourite TV shows are being put aside. I can't say what I'm even doing instead. I'm spending too much time inside my own head and yet I don't feel like I'm spending enough time there.

As an introvert I need alone time. I need to think things over and evaluate situations and feelings and if I don't get to do that I start to unravel. Lately all I've had time for is school, homework, talking to my boyfriend and sleep. I haven't written in my diary in about two weeks. I haven't opened the blinds in my room in over a month. On top of that I haven't kept up this blog.

I've mentioned before how important A Hitcher's Goof Hunt is to my mental processing and overall peace of mind. I just never seem to make time for it. It's also an outlet for me to document my life, practice my writing and do something productive while simultaneously procrastinating. What more can you ask for?

The year is almost at an end and you know what that means. New year's resolutions that I will never keep! Yeaaayy!
I don't actually know why I bother anymore.